It’s easy to think of life in absolutes, especially when you’ve spent much of it bracing for the worst. When you’ve been taught that people are either all good or all bad, that you’re either safe or you’re not, it’s tempting to cling to those extremes. I used to see everything in black and white—people either liked me, or they didn’t. You were either all in, or you were out. Trust, loyalty, love—all reduced to these clear, hard lines I could count on.
But, of course, nothing in life is really that simple. I learned this the hard way—through years of trauma, through the kind of abuse that shatters any sense of safety you thought you had. Growing up, the one person I was supposed to trust—the one person who was supposed to protect me—was my biggest abuser. It set the tone for everything that came after. Every relationship, every environment, every decision: I viewed it all through that lens. Black or white. Yes or no. No room for gray.
Trauma doesn’t just alter how we see ourselves; it changes how we see the world. When you’ve been conditioned to think people are dangerous, your survival instincts kick in, and suddenly everything becomes a risk. It’s not just about trusting people; it’s about feeling safe in any space you enter. In my mind, safety meant certainty. It meant guarantees. If I let you in, I needed 100% in return—anything less meant I was vulnerable, and vulnerability was a danger I couldn’t afford.
The problem is, life doesn’t give guarantees. Safety is an illusion. You can’t control the outcome of every decision, and you can’t predict how every person will behave. Life is messy, unpredictable, and, yes, often disappointing. But that’s the risk of living.
The Trap of Black-and-White Thinking
For a long time, I thought if I could just figure everything out—if I could break it down, compartmentalize, create my own rules and boundaries—I’d be okay. But black-and-white thinking isn’t about clarity; it’s about control. It’s the illusion of knowing exactly what’s coming next. It’s the false belief that if we can just predict the worst, then we won’t be blindsided. But what happens when we live in extremes? We never truly experience life. We never give ourselves permission to feel what we need to feel, because we’re too busy analyzing the outcome.
This mindset didn’t just affect how I interacted with others; it affected how I saw myself. If someone didn’t validate me, if they didn’t return my efforts in full, it only confirmed my fears: that I wasn’t worthy, that I wasn’t enough. I needed constant reassurance. And when I didn’t get it, I fell into the cycle of insecurity and self-doubt. It’s exhausting. And ultimately, it shuts you off from the very things you need most—connection, trust, vulnerability.
But it also kept me in a constant state of fear. Life was a series of tests—are you safe? Can I trust you? Are you worth my time? Black and white, black and white, black and white. No room for doubt, no room for growth, no room for gray.
The Power of Gray
Here’s the thing: the gray areas? They’re where life happens. You can’t embrace love, intimacy, or real connection when you’re stuck in extremes. The gray is where you take the risk, where you put yourself out there and see what happens. It’s where you give people a chance, even if you’re not sure they’ll live up to your expectations. It’s where you allow yourself to feel and accept that sometimes things just don’t work out.
It’s hard to break free from the cycle of black-and-white thinking, but therapy and years of healing have shown me that the gray is where everything valuable exists. It’s messy. It’s unpredictable. But it’s also where growth happens. Where you learn to accept people—and yourself—for who you really are, not for who you expect them to be. You can’t control the outcome of every interaction, but you can allow yourself the space to experience what’s in front of you without fear of the worst-case scenario.
Life Is a Series of Maybe’s, Not “Yes or No”
The truth is, people will disappoint you. Life will challenge you. Sometimes the most well-thought-out plans fall apart, and sometimes a poor decision will lead to something unexpected, even beautiful. That’s the unpredictability of life. It’s the gray that makes us human. And without it, we miss out on everything we need: love, joy, forgiveness, connection.
Life isn’t about all-or-nothing choices. It’s about maybe’s and possibilities. It’s about accepting the unknown and embracing the mess that comes with it. Black-and-white thinking only keeps us safe in the short term, but it also keeps us isolated, closed off from the best parts of life. It’s a filter that distorts our view of reality, and it leaves us with more anxiety than peace.
The gray isn’t scary. It’s where all the potential is. It’s where we let go of our need for control and make room for the full spectrum of life.
In the end, you don’t have to have all the answers, and you don’t need to have everything figured out. Sometimes, just accepting that life is complicated, that people are complicated, is the first step toward finding peace. So, next time you find yourself stuck in the black-and-white, take a step back. Allow the gray to enter. The world’s a lot more beautiful—and a lot more real—when you stop trying to force it into boxes.